I decided to write to BBC News, they have a section on their website which says 'Have you got a good story?' so i sent them this:
I wanted to write to you and inform you of the funny goings on round our way recently. I live on a peaceful street in the middle of the lovely village of Castleford in the North of our great country. Well, i had some building work done a while back (a new work space in the back garden for my husband’s pottery business) and although myself and Enoch (my husband) were relatively happy with the results there have been some decidedly odd 'happenings' since the structure was erected. It was Enoch who first noticed something a bit ‘rum’ in the back garden. As he went out to his new ‘pottery palace’ (that’s what he calls it. I suggested ‘potters juicy flaggonwazzock’ but he didn’t like it, he never likes anything I suggest! Like when I suggested we call our son ‘Bermuda’ he kicked up a right fuss, I said ‘Enoch you’ve got to get with the times! It’s trendy to call your children names that aren’t names!’ but he wouldn’t have it, the shit) now where was i? Oh yes, he went out to the ‘pottery palace’ but as he approached the door he noticed a strange purpley-blueish glow emanating from the window. He peered through and was shocked to see two of those grey big eyed alien thingies smearing their galactic faeces all over his potters wheel and were in the process of moulding it into a giant effigy of Lionel Blair! Well, he ran back inside all flummoxed like and started trying to tell me but he was mumbling and incoherent so I kicked him in the balls real hard and told him to get a bloody grip! After he finally gathered himself he told me about the space freaks but I said ‘you daft old bastard they int no spacemen int shed!’ and I went out me sen to investigate. Well, he were right weren’t he! Only when I got there they were pissing in each others mouths the dirty bleeders so I chased em off with a garden hoe! That night we sat and chatted about our strange visitors and the following day I phoned our builder friends to see if they knew what was going on.
Well, turns out the builders we hired have only gone an installed an inter-dimensional galactic portal at the back of the pottery palace! And it’s true, since that first scatological incident we’ve had aliens fighting in their pants on me back lawn, they’ve been riding round on Enoch’s big lawnmower pissed up off cheap cider, and worst of all last week I caught em gang-raping a poor hedgehog on me back porch! You should of seen his poor little hedgehog face, a mixture of deep shock and excruciating pain with just a hint of awe and wonder. I tell yer, I were right back ont phone to the builders! ‘Look you lot’ I said, ‘look you lot, we never wanted no inter-dimensional galactic portal in our outhouse let alone any sex-crazed alien freaks so you best get round here and get rid or else I’ll set our Tanya on you and she’s built like a brick shithouse with a black belt in carrot cake so BE WARNED!!!!’
Well I’m pleased to report that they did indeed come and get rid of the inter-dimensional galactic portal and since Monday we’ve not had sight nor sound of them pissy grey flannel-faced bastards. Which brings me nicely to the point of this correspondence: now the pottery palace is alien-free once more I was wondering, can you feature it on Grand Designs?? Or if not can you just get Kevin McCloud to come round our house and service my manky twot? He’ll have to spit in it first though, I dried up in me 70’s.
Brian Milm (Mrs)