'Jean-Paul/Correy'

Initial Message:

Date: Sun, 25 Nov 2012 23:40:52 -0800
From: jeanpaulyjd136@rocketmail.com, Correy@girlme.info
Subject: Nice girl, nice guy?
To: the_niesche@hotmail.co.uk

I am looking for that ONE man who is my best friend/lover; and has that sexy/fun attitude.Will wrestle with me in the morning.Will take a rainy day off just to cuddle and watch movies.Will cook with me.Will try new things, just for the fun of doing them.Have empathy for others.Love Animals.Have hair/with a brain underneath all that hair, yet can have a blonde moment and laugh it off.Is passionate/affectionate/intimate, and can be faithful.Respects himself and others.......meaning you can........ keep a promise. (If you say it own it)Get the facts before making a judgement (very important)Have the courage to keep it real, and tell it like it is, bad or good (without drama or pulling the Houdini act, thank you).Enjoy the outdoors, and likes to kiss on the beach, while getting caught in a rain.Like picnics with candlelight at night while watching the stars.Go to concerts, and have a blast while enjoying the music.If this sounds like you, then, you sir are definitely a treat.........Ok, about me, I love to write poetry/ write my own music/lyrics/used to play Bass, many moonsago, sketch the human face/woodcarving/seriously love all kinds of music from ACDC to Bethoven-(Would luv to rock out with Amadeus). I look at life with the half glass full theory, because life is what you make it right? I enjoy going to Fairs/Camping/Road Trips/Concerts/ Hanging out with my Man/Landscaping/( Would love to learn to skydive, and drive a Nascar, absolutely!) I'll have fun doing pretty much anything as long as it's in good company. I am an upbeat person, yet have my mellow days as well. I also have a spiritual side, (I have somewhat of an "old soul") and truly believe that the difference you make where your at, will determine where you go after that. I am also the person who would buy your mother flowers on your birthday, because if it wasn't for Mom you wouldn't be here to go on a journey with me, Right?

Reply:

Hello idiot,

 

I liked your email, really I did, but I ought to point out a few things is that ok? Now it seems to me your grasp of humanity is pretty poor to say the least. Allow me to shed the sickly blue light of reason onto your insane ramblings. First up, you want a guy who is your best friend AND lover AND a wrestler AND a cook AND wants to cuddle and watch movies like a girl AND is empathetic AND loves animals??? I'm not entirely sure if such a man really exists. What I think you're after, and this is only an educated guess let me make that clear, is what is commonly referred to as 'a girl'. What really gives it away is that bit where you said 'can be faithful'. So far, so delusional, but the following extracts, for me, highlight where it gets truly moronic:

 

"Have hair/with a brain underneath all that hair" - you want a mad scientist??? Cackling away in a lab somewhere while a huge pink rubbery brain pulsates underneath a mass of wiry locks?? You mental twat.

 

"Have the courage to keep it real, and tell it like it is, bad or good (without drama or pulling the Houdini act, thank you)" - so you want a closet actor/magician, one who practices the arts in secret when you're out. Probably wearing your stockings too. Also, 'keeping it real'? 'Good or bad'?? Really??? Ok. Your vagina looks like someone superglued bacon to a welly top (i'm guessing, but most vaginas look like that right? My mum told me, I've never seen one). Anyway, keeping it reeeeeeaaaal!!!

 

"Go to concerts, and have a blast while enjoying the music" - to many people this may seem like a blindingly obvious pre-requisite for any trip to a gig. One could even say that there should be NO other reason for going to a concert. Unfortunately for you though I hate music, it makes my tits itch. When I go to concerts I don't so much 'enjoy the music and have a blast' as 'shit in my pants then wander round screaming pretending I have a mental illness'.

 

"I love to write poetry/ write my own music/lyrics/used to play Bass, many moonsago, sketch the human face/woodcarving/seriously love all kinds of music from ACDC to Bethoven-(Would luv to rock out with Amadeus)" - three things: I would LOVE to read your poetry/lyrics. Seriously, send me some. Second, 'the human face'? hahahahahahahahahahahahaha! Finally, you do know Amadeus (more commonly known as 'Mozart', but hey i'm nit-picking) is dead right?

 

"I'll have fun doing pretty much anything as long as it's in good company" - oh really?! So, shit-blistering (google it) with George Clooney? Chain- sawing a pig in half with the cast of Fame? Murdering tramps with One Direction and JLS? Or maybe just cramming beetles in your ears with the Wu-Tang Clan? Thought not.

 

"I have somewhat of an "old soul"" - I know what you mean, i'm somewhat of an 'our-soul'.

 

"I am also the person who would buy your mother flowers on your birthday" - my mother is DEEEEEEAD!

 

So yeah, looks like i'm your man! Write back with lyrics and poems, don't you go letting me down you rotten shit.

 

Niesche.

'Jamila'

Initial Message: 

Date: Sat, 24 Nov 2012 03:48:22 -0800
From: weboo661@att.net
Subject: Hiii
To:

Hiii

Nice Meeting You, i am miss jamila, i wish to have you as my friend,
please could you get back to me for more detail of my self, and all maybe
necessary in relationship including my picture, if this interest you get
back to me.yours jamila.

Reply:

Helloooooooo Miss Jamila,

I'm so very pleased you wrote to me, and of course you can have me as your friend! Here's some facts about me that i hope will pique your interest and make your fat grotty tits vibrate with delight:

• I have a genital wart that is shaped like jesus's face. The old people who own the corner shop near my house call me 'Holycock'.
• I can eat up to 5 slices of aubergine in one sitting, but no more than that i'm not a complete idiot hahahahahah!
• I can't speak German but i can be occasionally racist if the situation demands it (like if i'm trying to impress posh people).
• I own a tie made of pigs lips and when i wear it i am inviiiiiiinciblllllllle!!!!
• I never raped that poodle, it was totally consensual.
• At certain times of the day i like to throw crayons at a motorbike.
• I was raised by mice on a farm in the Cotswalds and discovered aged 9 eating my own shit by a local news reporter who took me in and cared for me until one night last year i got bored of her stupid monotone voice and slit her horrible flabby throat with a sliver of frozen urine. hahaha only joking Jamila, that's totally not true! She was a weather girl, not a news reporter. Slut.
• I can't fucking say two fucking words without fucking saying the word 'fuck'. Or, erm...maybe i can?

I have enclosed a photo of me with my see-through pet lizard, his name is Thebeatlesweren'tallthatgoodandanyonewhosaysotherwiseisadelusionalhalfwit. I would very much like a picture of you in return, could you send me one of you holding a waffle iron and wearing a nappie?

Cheers you demented weirdo,
Niesche

She Replied!!!!!!

From: jamila_10093@hotmail.com
To: the_niesche@hotmail.co.uk
Subject: PLEASE DEAR TELL ME LITTLE ABOUT YOU
Date: Mon, 26 Nov 2012 08:34:46 +0000

Dear friend,

I am more than happy in your reply to my mail, how is your day today i hope all is well and fine with you including your health and job. My name is Miss jamila Dosi and i am 24 years, single and never been married, i am from Sudan in Africa but presently residing in the missionary church here in Senegal where i ran as a refuge due to the political civil war that took place in my country. I am in sufferings and pains here in this camp, i really need help from someone by encouraging me and good advice in life and to help me to come out from this situation, again to help me get my money, because my late father deposited some amount of money for me in the Bank and he used my name as the next of kin.

My late father Dr. Ellison Dosi, worked as the Chief Executive Officer of (E E C PLC) in Port Sudan in Sudan. During the war, the rebel loyal to one of the greedy business associate of my late father attacked our house one early morning and killed my mother and father in a cold blood. It is only me that is alive now as the only child of my parents and i managed to make my way to this country Senegal by the help of UN army where i am living now in the missionary, headed by a Reverend Father, i used his office computer to send you this email and i only enter his office when he is less busy in his office.

I would like to know more about you, your likes, dislikes, your hobbies and what you are doing presently. i like to meet understanding, loyal, sincere, truthfully, kindly, friendly and more to that, a man of vision. Attached here is my picture. I will be hoping to hear from you again.

Yours jamila.

Reply number 2:

Jamila! Blimey fuck that was a quick response! Lovely to hear from you. Have to say though, disappointed at the lack of waffle iron and nappie in your pictures you shit! Also you're a little bit hideous and your face makes me frightened, it looks inflated in all the wrong places (and i won't even mention your eyebrows! Jesus what the fuck are they?? Did you draw them on with a paint roller??). Do you remember a program that was on in the 80's (i think) based on Beauty and the Beast where the beast guy was called Vincent and he lived in Central Park New York and he had a stupid voice and some woman who might've been a lawyer was really into him and they solved crimes and shit? Yeah? Well, you look like Vincent the beast. And the make up isn't fooling anyone you know. You can't polish a turd Jamila. You'd probably make a good crime fighter though, just saying.

I guess we can be friends anyway, i'm not racist or owt. Bummer about your folks though eh? How did they die, was it in spectacular fashion like the guys burst through the door and everything went in slow motion as you all tried to dive for cover but NO daddy leaps for one of the baddies and grasps the gun with both hands, his contorted face screaming (in slow motion remember) "Jammiiiiiillllllaaaaaaa, geeeeettttt ouuuuuuuuutttt" but then the other baddie spins round and 'BLAM BLAM BLAM' 3 shots to the dome piece and daddy's down! Mummy's crying now and turning to flee but then KABOOM she gets a slo-mo grenade rammed up her bottom and she explodes in a shower of maternal guts!! Or did they both just get shot up quick time and then fall in an undignified heap before shitting in their pants? Whatever, i don't really care to be honest.

Right enough about you, let's talk about me!
My Likes: people with dead parents, preferably ones that have been murdered in a cold blood (looks like you're in luck Jamila!); pictures of cartoon rabbits (but not Bugs Bunny, he's too much of a smug prick); line dancing with quadraplegics; anything to do with soup production.
My Dislikes: the strange flap of skin that hangs off my left ankle, it's like a floppy 5th limb except i can't do owt with it or use it in any way. It just sits there getting in the way of my socks and preventing me from wearing strappy heels. Total bummer; the Bee Gees (not many left now though hahahaha! It's game over Gibbs!!! Game over!!!); people who say "not three bad" when asked "how are you doing". Awful and unnecessary.

Might i finally add that i'm definitely NOT 'understanding', 'loyal', 'sincere', 'truthfully', 'kindly' or 'friendly' but i am ABSOLUTELY a 'man of vision'! I totally have two eyes and they can see things and shit so i'm good on that score. 1 out of 7 isn't too bad is it?

Look forward to hearing from you Jamila! And next time can i have a picture of you next to a crippled tramp and holding up a sign that says "i'm with stupid"? Please? Super!

Peace,
Niesche.    

Optical Express

Initial Message:

Subject: Win Laser Eye Treatment - Freedom from Glasses & Contacts
From: contact-74648@chinchillafrugal.com
Date: Tue, 20 Nov 2012 09:49:45 -0800
Click For Offer Images and Details


















 Reply:      


Hello Vision Wizards,

I've been receiving emails off you for a while now and my curiosity/bizarre sexual urges (don't ask) have got the better of me and I am compelled to reply to find out what 'the score' is. Please take the time to answer my questions, and if you could 'think' the answers in your best Norwegian accent as you write them that would be delightful thank you.

First question (isn't this exciting?!): Regarding your laser eye treatment, is it magic done by goblins? I've not got a problem with fantasy creatures per se, but goblins?? They've got small fingers, they're allergic to plastic, they don't know the difference between noodles and spaghetti, and I've heard they eat lesbians! I mean, I'm not racist or anything I just don't like them. So if its magic goblins then I'm afraid it is a resolute "NO"!

Second question: I'd really really like some of that x-ray vision like what Superman has got. Now don't get me wrong I'm not interested in looking at ladies pants through their dresses like that smug mutant weirdo alien freak. Oh no, my interest is much more important to humanity (although when it comes to sneaky pant viewing I'd never say 'never'. It's just not a priority ya know?). I need x-ray vision (and note the key word here in 'need' not 'want') because I've invented a device which is able to measure the exact length of a persons shit before it exits the anus, an 'inter-bowel' measurement which until now has been inconceivable! Yes, you're absolutely right it IS revolutionary. I'm a genius you say? Oh, you! It's not for me to say, but thank you that's ever so kind.
Now unfortunately this invention cannot go 'to market' without proper testing, hence the NEED for x-ray vision. I need to see that the measurements are accurate by looking inside the actual shit pipe of a human person. So x-ray vision is a must, the question is can you provide it????!

Third question: I'd rather like the lasers that you use to make a 'ptchew ptchew' sound when you fire them into my eyes so that I can pretend I'm Dirk Benedicts character in the old Battlestar Gallactica tv show. I've tried pretending to the sound of lasers off Star Wars and the like but they make a sound that goes 'ptcheoow ptcheoow' which is quite different to a trained sci-fi ear such as mine. It's just not the same. Please tell me your lasers make this sound otherwise I might just have to come round and piss in your bath.

Thank you for your time.

Peace,
Niesche.
 
 

'Anna'

Initial Message:

Date: Mon, 24 Sep 2012 05:22:10 +0100
From: %FROMEMAIL%
To: the_niesche@hotmail.co.uk
Subject: I have an exclusive offer just for YOU

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Reply:

Greetings Anna,

Well you filthy little minx! If that's not the most sexually charged email i've never received then my name isn't not John Porridge and i haven't not got a wife who isn't called Susan! I was incredibly thrilled and aroused by your email, so much so that my daily wank today was based entirely on the thought of you handing me my 'mouth watering', 'MASSIVE', 'lucrative bonus' (surely a euphemism for 'here's my tits wrapped in clingfilm'. Eh Anna?, Eh? Eh??). I must warn you though, just like your bonus i can't 'last forever' either :(
More like two minutes of frantic rutting with me a red faced mess of hair and sweat jerking away on top of you while you stare distractedly at the ceiling contemplating what colour you're going to paint the bathroom and whether Roy the mechanic has managed to get rid of that irritating squeak from the Volvo. Then 'Heeeeuuuuurrrgggghhhh!' it's all over and you can get back to grooming your dogs vagina.

Now that we have the pleasantries out of the way i thought i'd write you a poem to express my feelings at these grotty smut-laden emails you keep sending me.

Oh Anna G, if you owned a massive tree,
I'd love to take a big shit at the bottom,
And I'd hope that you'd see, that shit on your tree,
As a reminder never to be forgotten,

That my email is pure, not fit for you 'whore',
And not welcome are your offers of credit,
So please i implore, junk emails no more,
Go fuck yourself you presumptuous, irritating, money-grabbing, exploitative fucking cunt. There, i said it.   

You're about as welcome as Jimmy Saville's ashes at a Johnson's baby talcum powder factory.

Sincerely,
Niesche.

'Zongo'

Initial Message:

Date: Fri, 14 Sep 2012 21:20:07 +0800
From: mrzongo@hotmail.com
Subject: Dear Partner,
To: Dear partner,

Please consider this mail serious despite the fact that you did not expect it. Hope you are doing well. I am Mr.Zongo Mohammed, the Manager of head opérations department of our bank in Burkina Faso. I discovered a risk-free deal of US$10.9 million from my department which was left unclaimed as a result of non existing body.Provided you will put trust forward, let us share the deal if you are interested. Urgent reply is needed for more details.

Regards,

Mr.Zongo Mohammed

Reply:

Howdy Zongo!
(Doesn't that sound like a great name for a hipster electro band? "And now here's Howdy Zongo with their massive hit 'Stick With Kippers, They're A Lot Less Hassle')

I'm so glad you contacted me, things are getting pretty desperate for me at the moment and the exact thing i needed was some random African doofus emailing me with the promise of a risk free money swap. I'm quite alarmed by the mention of a 'non-existing body' though, what have they done to you, you poor man! I think we can do a deal though, like i said i'm in a spot of bother. Allow me to fill you in:

I started seeing this girl a few months ago, right. We met on a wine tasting course in Lille and despite of the fact that she's got a pathetic withered arm covered in manky scabs and her enormous labia are shaped like fleshy maracas, we hit it off straight away. Well, last month i decided to take the plunge and move in with her and THAT'S when the trouble began. Turns out her dad is some weird pacifist drug dealer that's sells cocaine out of a massive mansion in California but instead of killing his rivals and shooting up other dealers' turf he stages these mock gun battles where no-one ever gets killed, there's just lots of shooting into the air and 'fannying around'. Like i said, he's a bit of an oddball. Aaaaaaanyway, he's not the problem. It just so happens that some bird what was living next door has a brother who does gardening for my girlfriends soft-lad-dealer-dad and inadvertantly stumbled upon one of these fake 'battles', shitted in her little knickers and is now terrified her brother is going to wind up 'pretend-dead' or something. So, instead of doing the sensible thing and asking her brother to stop working there this pea-brained simpleton decided to call up some fucking douchbag mercenaries to 'rescue' her idiot brother from certain 'non-death'.
Unbeknownst to me and my girlfriend of course. So, over we pop for a dad visit last weekend and guess what happened! Go on Zongo, guess!!!..........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

Give up????

Ok then i'll fucking tell you, you useless prick.
We're having a lovely time hanging out in the Cali sunshine, frolicking in the swimming pool, that kind of thing. Suddenly the front doorbell goes so Wayne (her dad's butler) goes to answer it to be greeted by an old looking guy with a huge grey moustache and a weird looking nose. To cut a long story short our lass's dad appears and all hell breaks loose. Well, i say 'all hell', what i actually mean is 'more fake shooting and fannying about pretending to die'. Turns out the old guy was not an old guy at all but one of the mercenary douchbags in disguise!! He whips off his fake 'tache and nose then his three moron friends leap out of a nearby van and rush in shooting wildly with no direction or purpose. Suddenly loads of 'goons' appear doing exactly the same thing, it's like some really crap faux-violent ballet performed by people with cerebal palsy. A complete farce.
After about 20 minutes of this (and of me hiding underneath a bloody sun lounger in just me undercrackers) the mercenaries retreat into one of 'dads' huge sheds on the driveway. I said to him, i said "Barry!! Don't lock them in there, that's the one with the decomissioned tank in it you divvy cunt!!!! These are mercenaries! They know about tanks and shit!!". But did he listen?? Zongo? Did he listen???? Did he bugger!! Lo and behold half an hour later the doors burst open and the mercenary twats come rampaging out in the tank which has now been converted into some medieval looking catapult that starts firing cabbages at the house! Cabbages!!!!!! Who the shitting fuck keeps cabbages in a shed with a tank???
Before long 'dad's henchmen are all buried under a mountain of green cabbage pulp and 'dad' himself is sat against a wall looking dazed with a cabbage leaf sticking out of his stupid stupid face. The mercenaries grab the brother, mumble something about returning one of their team to his mental hospital (oh so they kidnap mental patients as well eh? Some fucking moral high ground they're standing on!) and then bugger off. And who has to clean up all the cabbage???? ME ZONGO that's bloody well who!!! I was so not very happy about that i can tell you. To top it all off after they've disappeared the bloody army turn up with a really pissed-off looking colonel who arrests everybody then spends the whole time grumbling and looking like he'd swallowed a shitbiscuit.

So now as a result of this i'm in hiding from the army, scared stiff of the returning mercenaries and plagued by nightmares of their cabbagey shenanigans. Not only that but my girlfriend has disappeared and she still has my collection of David Hasselhoff CD's which i'm obviously keen to get back.
So yeah, i could do with some money Zongo, help a brother out will you?

Look forward to hearing from your stupid ass.
Peace,
Niesche.

'Fatima'

Initial Message:

Date: Sun, 5 Aug 2012 13:56:47 +0800
From: fatimamrs1@voila.fr
Subject: Peace be unto you and Your Family.
To:

Hello Dearest, May the peace of God/Allah Be Unto You! I am Mrs. Fatima Iyesa Ismiana from Kuwait. I married to Usman Ismiana of blessed memory who worked with Kuwait embassy in Madrid Spain for nine years before he died in the year 2005. We were married for eleven years without a child. He died after a brief illness that lasted only four days. Before his death he was a very devoted Muslim and I was battling with both cancer and fibroid problems when my late husband was alive he deposited the sum of $15million dollars (FIFTEEN million dollars) with an overseas finance and security firm. Presently, this money is still with finance and security firm. Recently, my doctor told me that I had a terminating illness (cancer) that would last for the next four months. Though what disturbs me most is my stroke sickness, having known my condition I decided to donate this fund to either a Christian organization or good devoted Muslim organization that will utilize this money the way I am going to instruct here in. I want this organizations or individual to use this money in all sincerity to fund churches/mosque, orphanages, widows, less privileges in the societies and also propagating the word of God and to ensure that the society is better a place to live. I took this decision because I don't have any child to start from. I don't want my husband hard earned money to be misused by any or an unbeliever because my husband's people are monetary conscious and I have given them enough to take good care of their life. I don't want a situation where this money will be used in an unholy manner hence the reason for taking this bold decision. I don't need any telephone communications but will only give you the contact of my lawyer Barr. Kameela Brown because who is going to assist you in making you the beneficiary of the consignment in the finance and security firm that will bring it to you, May the Almighty God /Allah continue to guide and protect you. Amen. Yours. faithfully, Reply: Hiya Fats, I have received your kind offer with thanks and would love to accept but first we need to straighten a few things out. Sorry to hear about your husband being dead and everything but as a muslim rest assured that he's now balls deep in a shit load of angelic virgin pussy and probably having the time of his fucking life! And as you are now near being dead too don't be surprised to find out that when you get to muslim heaven he's ditched you for a bunch of pristine virgins with pigtails and tight asses. Bit of a shitter i know but them's the muslim breaks i'm afraid! Maybe you should ask your god Allan to hook you up with a big-cocked strong man with a moustache like a mutant field mouse when you get up there eh? I wouldn't hold your breath though, from what i hear Allan is a massive shit. As far as redistribution of your dead-as-fuck husbands money i feel we need to negotioate a little. I'm totally willing to do it, don't get me wrong, it's just that we're fucking inundated with churches and mosques round our end and to be honest Fats i'm sick of the fucking sight of them. I propose instead channeling the money into several ventures for the more needy in society. Check these out and let me know what you think: Strip clubs for dwarfs. As far as i'm aware there aren't any 'dwarf-specific' strip clubs in England at the moment and i'd like to remedy that. I don't mean 'strip clubs that dwarfs can go in', i mean 'strip clubs with dwarf strippers'. For dwarfs, by dwarfs, that sort of thing. Call it something like 'Stubbies' or 'Mutant Vagina Friends'. Or simply 'Dwarftits'. Rest assured i certainly won't go along with the traditional 'animal + colour' combo name that every unimaginative twat of a strip club owner seems to think is necessary in a pathetic attempt to somehow disguise the exact nature of the business. Nope, punters coming into 'Minicunt Dwarf Ass Wine Bar' will be under no illusions thank you very much!   Disabled brothels. Again, a tragic shortage of these about and with the paralympics being on everyone is loving a disabled at the mo so we should strike while the iron's hot! I think it's grossly unfair that disabled women don't get the opportunity to destroy their vaginas with viscious poundings from socially inept monsters every day and seeing as i am an equal opportunities motherfucker i'd like to set this straight. Buying myself a new house with a swimming pool shaped like Mohammed's lovely smiling face and filling it with the blood of 1000 pigs. Now i must stress that this wasn't my idea, Allan just told me to put this 'cos he read the two above and pointed out that you might not consider them entirely 'holy'. He figured that the new house and bloody pool would be a way of establishing my holy credentials. I'm not so sure, but i spoke to Allan and he said 'it'll be fine, muslims and christians love that shit'.   Let me know what you think. Ahmen, Niesche.

'Tim'

Initial Message:

From: software_innovations5@jinxtea.com
Subject: I might be insane for doing this
To: the_niesche@hotmail.co.uk
Date: Thu, 9 Aug 2012 11:32:08 -0400

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Tim Bekker

Reply:

Hey Tim! Tim Tim Tim Tim TIM! Calm down love. Catch your breath. It's ok, no one is going to hurt you, i'm here to help. That's right love just put the keyboard down slowly, that's it well done. Sit down, let's just sit down over here and have a chat. Do you like coffee Tim? Would you like a nice cup of coffee Tim? Ok i'll get that sorted for you, you just sit here and i'll make us both a nice coffee and then we'll have a chat ok my love?

Right here you are.....CAREFUL it's still quite hot. Tell you what why don't i pop it down here on the floor and we'll have it in a minute when it's cooled down a bit, is that ok? Ok, just relax Tim you're going to be fine. No, they're not going to take you away, no no it's fine love the men are just there in case you pick up the keyboard again that's all, but we're just having a chat aren't we Tim? We're not thinking about typing emails at the moment are we? No, that's good. No no don't worry, i'm not going to click the link, it's ok i understand, i know Tim i know you were just thinking it might be nice to share the link with somebody new weren't you? Yes i know love, it's absolutely fine don't worry about it now, it's in the past isn't it? It's ok just relax.

Tim. Tim. TIM, wait Tim there's no need for that is there? TIM! PUT DOWN THE KEYBOARD! TIM, PUT IT DOWN, Tim! That's it, put it back on the floor, no more typing today ok? That's right no more typing today, ok breathe, that's it just breathe, deep breaths Tim that's it. No you're not insane Tim, nobody is calling you that are they? Those men aren't saying it, i'm not saying it, it's ok Tim nobody thinks you're insane, you're not smearing shit all over the walls or pretending this sofa is a giraffe are you? You're not walking round with fuck all on hitting yourself with a plastic fish are you? Or laying down humping the floor in the middle of Tescos? Or asking passers by if they can see your 'naughty bottom'.

It's ok Tim. Just relax. Are you ready to stand up? Are you ready to go back inside? Ok let's go back inside and carry on with what you were doing before. No more emails today Tim that's right. No it's fine love, nobody thinks that of you. Of course we all like you, don't we all like Tim everyone? You see, everyone likes Tim, you've got lots of friends and family that love and care for you. It's ok Tim, that's it in you go. Well done Tim, well done, you see you're fine now aren't you? Well done Tim.

See you later Tim, yes that's right i'll see you tomorrow i'll be back in the morning. See you Tim, take care.



You fucking lunatic.

'Vyka'

Initial message:

From: seevegan@transedge.com
Subject: jollies
To: the_niesche@hotmail.co.uk

Date: Mon, 6 Aug 2012 09:59:25 +0200

Hi dear!

No matter where you are right now, I know that you will come here to find me www.brenda.in I will recognize you immediately because you will be like a sweet forest of pleasant ladies and whispering branches a?? where people wander on and on in its playing shadows they know not how far a?? and when they come near the centre of it, it is all cold and impenetrable a?? and when they would fain turn, - they are hedged with briars and thorns and cannot escape. I know the same way you will conquer my heart one day and I will be always next to you.

send me a message
Vyka

Reply:

Oh Vyka!

What a blessing that you contact me now in my hour of need! You're like an angel that has descended from the sky on a porpoise wearing a party hat and shouting like a drunken tramp "yer me bezzt mayte, ffuckin serious now mayte honest ya know i wunt fffuckin lie to yer i ffucking love yer man". Welcome my angel! Welcome into my needy bosom, all greased up with chip fat and covered in feathers.

I done prayed to the god of biscuits to send me a lady 'mental' to ease the burden of my problematic existence and here you are my dear, sashaying into my inbox like a belly dancer with parkinsons disease. My problem is this: i live in a commune for ex-wrestlers off the Dorset coast and, if you're familiar with wrestlers (which, let's face it, any insane person should be) then you'll know of the trauma they face away from the ring after they retire. For years they are harangued by middle aged, plump, delusional, unusually-bearded, socially inept idiots who can't distinguish between cartoonish one-dimensional stereotypical personas adopted for the purposes of entertainment, and 'real life'. And suddenly it all stops. When they walk to the shops there's no theatrical "boo hiss" and gnashing of teeth from passers-by. No chants of 'U...S...A...!!" following a pathetic slap/stumble combo. Imagine marching on the spot with a look of righteous indignation on your face but with no rousing "whooping" from the crowd to back it up, or slowly peeling off an elbow guard before performing a ridiculously elaborate 'dance' around a man in dungarees with no "ooohs" or "ahhhhs" as you softly pat him on the chest. It's proper fucking tragic, yo.

So what i need from you Vyka is to pop round maybe twice a week to begin with and perform 'crowd duty' for these poor unfortunate wrestlers. A little "gerroff'im" here, a bit of "lick his goddamn cock and balls to pieces!!!!" there, maybe a spot of grimacing as one of them is gently caressed on the back with a plastic chair. That sort of thing. Wages are negotiable and we have an endless supply of biscuits too.

Send me a message (and a picture of you with a barbie doll up your arse wouldn't go amiss either),
Nick.

Truckers

Initial Message:

Subject: 100's of Jobs are Available. Great Pay and Guaranteed Miles!
From: 77ZVPXFU67968MUA159@playevade.com
Date: Thu, 2 Aug 2012 18:42:47 -0700

Can't See The Images? - Click Here!

Reply:

Dear Truckers

Well this is just uncanny! An email asking if I’d like a career in trucking! And guess what! I would like a career in trucking! Yes! Jackpot! Banzai! Bonanza! Bonus! Not bogus! Banana! Botulism! Bollocks.

Seriously though while I hadn’t been thinking of a ‘career’ in trucking as such I had been thinking of trying my hand at rape and murder so trucking seems like a good way to facilitate that, hence why I am writing to you. As ‘trucky’ people I was hoping you might be able to give me a few pointers regarding the whole rape and murder thing. I mean you guys are the best at this right? Trucking from town to town: the perfect cover for picking up 'sluts', dressing them up as your severely disabled Auntie, locking them in a box for a few weeks and playing an elaborate version of Yahtzee where the different combinations equate to different rapey acts (3 sixes?? Stick it in the ears of deaf bitches! 2 fives and a one? waterboarding but but with cum!).

How do you ‘get started’ exactly? I must confess I’m a bit naive, I’m certainly no Jeffrey Dahmer or Ed Gein so if you wouldn’t mind answering a few questions on the whole rape/murder protocol I’d be very grateful, as will my future victims I’m sure. There’s got to be nothing worse than an inexperienced rapist murderer right? Haha! All fingers and thumbs, clumsily stumbling through the process with no finesse, a cock misplaced here, a sloppy knife slash there, that’s no way to get your name in the papers! 

Victims:

What should I begin with? I was thinking tramps. You know, stab up a homeless no-one’s going to miss ‘em right? But they do smell, and I’m not keen on raping a tramp. Kind of misses the point I feel. I suppose I could kill a tramp then move on to pretty girls for the raping but I was hoping to combine the two activities (my dad was a ‘time and motion’ analyst and he’d go bonkers if he knew I wasn’t multi-tasking!). What would you recommend?

Also, what’s the etiquette on this? Rape then murder or murder then rape? I can see the pros and cons of each but I wondered if there was some unwritten rule in the trucking community as to which you should do first. I wouldn’t want to upset my fellow truckers by getting this fundamental aspect of the process wrong!

Location, Location, Location:

Back of the truck? In the trailer? I suppose this seems like an obvious choice but wouldn’t your ‘load’ get in the way of you delivering your ‘load’? It would offer some possibilities for inventive use of props, like lining up beer bottles and rolling the victim up and down the length of the trailer on them to bash their head in on the doors (time consuming but fun! And the victim feels like they’re on a fairground ride! I wouldn’t want them to get bored). Or maybe using wooden panelling to fashion a giant vagina then shoving the rapee in and out while I, the raper, raped. Sort of like a double rape, rape squared, that way the rapee would feel empathy with my actions! (How about that, me a considerate rapist! Oxymoronic as fuck).

Motel rooms are right out I suppose? Convenient but very messy I would imagine, or is it like in films where some motels are in on the deal and have cameras set up and shit? Could you let me know the address of some of these murder/rape stopovers please? I won’t tell the pigs, honest.

Body Disposal:

I’m guessing rivers are a good bet? But what if I’m nowhere near a river? I’m not much of a gardener so digging would be a bit of a chore to be honest. Again is there any etiquette I should be following? Is there like a trucker dead hooker graveyard somewhere, kind of like the elephant graveyards of Africa only not surrounded by morose fucking elephants swishing their dumb-ass trunks about in the dirt wailing like bloody banshees GET OVER IT YOU PATHETIC PACHYDERMS! They’re dead let’s move on shall we?!!!!! Ok so maybe not mass graves. The woods then! Yes, the woods! Buried in amongst the ripped up pages of porn mags and used johnnies and sheets of corrugated iron that mysteriously appear from nowhere. Where would you recommend?

I’m sorry if I’ve asked a lot of questions, I would hate to take up too much of your valuable time which could be spent balls deep in a dead whore, but if you could provide answers to these crucial queries I would be most grateful.

Many thanks rapeykiller truck peeps,

Niesche xxx 

'Georgia'

Initial Message:

To niesche@live.com

From: Georgia Ramires (GeorgiaRamirespw22@yahoo.com) Sent: 06 July 2012 11:48:59
The whole world will stop so I can tell you from the top of the highest mountain that I am deeply and passionately in love with you. I'm sending you an eCard so you'll realize how extraordinary you are to me. Retrieve your ecard here

Reply:

From:	niesche@live.com
Saved:	10 July 2012 14:50:01
To:	georgiaramirespw22@yahoo.com

Hey nonny nonny Georgia!

After reading your declaration of passionate and deep love for me i think it's totally safe to assume we're now like husband and wife yes? (you are a woman aren't you?? Sorry to ask it's just that my friend Rufus once had a parakeet called Georgia and while ours was only a brief inter-species fling i am still scarred by the discovery of 'Georgias' tiny post-op cock and balls in a yoghurt pot at the back of the fridge. You can imagine my face can't you? I made a noise like this: "eeeeyyyyuuuurrch-ch-ch-ch-eeeeeoogh-phew and then spat an entire mouthful of sputum on the floor). Sorry, i'm getting side-tracked. Seeing as we're now, like, husband and wife i think we ought to lay down some ground rules for our relationship. Sort of like a pre-nup like what celebrities have only without the clause that forbids you to talk of my gayness (like the one Tom Cruise has). Oh, and i have a bone to pick with you too: what's all this about you thinking i'm 'extraordinary'. What the fucking fuck? So, i'm not just 'ordinary' i'm EXTRA-ordinary, like far more 'ordinary' than the next guy, i'm like ordinary+, ordinary 2.0. It's like being called 'extrashit' or being labelled an 'extrawanker'. Right, here are my rules:

Rule number 1. (Hey how about i write these in bible-speak? That'll sound dramatic and authoritarian!) Rule number 1. Thou shalt not feed me biscuits on a Wednesday. Or else.

Rule number 2. Thou shalt treat every request to fetch something for me as a competitive race where you have to beat me to said item. Hair pulling, tit grabbing, ankle wanking and eye licking are all legal moves. If you lose you have to cry real tears while i get to shit on your face. If i lose, actually scrap that I NEVER LOSE!!!!!

Rule number 3. Thou shalt make it your lifes mission to find me the answer to the following question: That song, 'The Twist' by Chubby Checker, was it ghost-written by Jeremy Beadle? The bit where he says "Take-me-by-my-little-hand" got me wondering.

Rule number 4. Thou shalt not have any more periods. Shove a cork in it or something you dirty witch.

That will do for now i think. If any more occur to me i'll let you know. Looking forward to you moving into my shed with me and my 23 cats real soon!

Love, kisses, gentle slaps on the back of the head, a little bit of facial weeing but not too much i'm not that into it, and a large helping of mustard bukkake,
Niesche.

UK Compensation Centre

Initial Message:

Date: Thu, 28 Jun 2012 02:34:56 -0400
From: UKCompensationCenter@interesttoday.net
To: the_niesche@hotmail.co.uk
Subject: Nick Hart, claim the compensation you deserve for your accident

Using a blackberry, mobile email or having problems? View an online version

COMPENSATION. THE FACTS. How Much Could You Claim?   Esther Rantzen Says: "If the injury wasn't your fault, get the facts about claiming compensation. Know your rights." 1  ROAD ACCIDENTS, WHIPLASH ETC You can claim for: • Injuries as a driver or passenger • Injuries as a cyclist or motorcyclist • Injuries as a bus passenger • Injuries caused by uninsured drivers 2  INJURIES AS A PASSENGER You can claim for: • Injuries in a private vehicle • Injuries in a taxi • Injuries on a bus or train 3  INJURIES AS A PEDESTRIAN You can claim if you for: • Injuries whilst crossing the road • Injuries through negligent driving • Injuries in a car park 4  ACCIDENTS AT WORK You can claim for: • Injuries in dangerous workplaces • Injuries through inadequate training • Industrial diseases 5  INDUSTRIAL DISEASE You can claim for: • Exposure to harmful chemicals • Inhalation of harmful dust • Injuries from lack of safety equipt. • Poor or broken ventilation systems 6  OTHER ACCIDENTS You can claim for: • Any accident that wasn't your fault • Injuries sustained in the last 3 years • No Win - No Fee compensation • Maximum cash awards So, how much could you claim? Take our 30 SECOND TEST now.

Reply:

Dear fly-by-night chancers,

 

I read your recent email with interest and nervousness-induced adrenaline coursing through my veins (that picture of Esther Rantzen you used is terrifying! Was she sniffing glue before you took it?? She looks like a velociraptor on a caffeine high!). Frankly i'm disgusted, not only with Esther's sinister face but with her assertion that i can claim compensation only "if the injury wasn't my fault". Oh that's just lovely that is, let's exclude self-harmers from our little deal! Let's 'stick the knife in' to self harmers! Let's harm the self harmers on top of their self harming harm! Are you a bunch of compensation sadists?? 

 

Also, on the subject of Esther Rantzen, my mate Brian down the pub said she once shat into a doner kebab and ate it for a dare. And he saw her flicking cashew nuts at pigeons in Leeds Market one time. Is this the sort of person you want endorsing your seedy attempts to fleece money from people using pseudo-altruistic tactics?? Did you also know that Esther was born without a mouth so surgeons had to graft a horses vagina onto her face and jam a bunch of Tic-Tacs in for teeth?? (This may or may not be true, Brian has been known to be a little wide of the mark sometimes).

 

Regarding accidents i have had several over the years and i would like to claim for them all please. Below is a list:

 

Accident number 1!! - I once accidently watched The Darling Buds Of May with David Jason, it was a bit where he said "perfick" too. It felt like i'd been mind raped with a hammer and it made my brain-anus (my brainus??) bleed (file under 'mockneytwatmindrape').

 

Accident number 2!! - Once, in my teens, i wore what can only be described as 'a really really shit hat' with a dumb badge on one side. I looked a total cunt. It was a complete accident as i meant to wear the blue one with the parrot on the front (file under 'shithat' or 'shat').

 

Accident number 3!! - I went to Chester Zoo last year and accidently called one of the elephants 'a fucking sherbert fancy' and have felt guilty ever since (file under 'elephantracist').

 

Accident number 4!! - Pissed on a tramp (file under 'accident?notreally).

 

I reckon i could get a right wedge for that lot whaddyasay?

Peace,

Nick.