'Zongo'

Initial Message:

Date: Fri, 14 Sep 2012 21:20:07 +0800
From: mrzongo@hotmail.com
Subject: Dear Partner,
To: Dear partner,

Please consider this mail serious despite the fact that you did not expect it. Hope you are doing well. I am Mr.Zongo Mohammed, the Manager of head opérations department of our bank in Burkina Faso. I discovered a risk-free deal of US$10.9 million from my department which was left unclaimed as a result of non existing body.Provided you will put trust forward, let us share the deal if you are interested. Urgent reply is needed for more details.

Regards,

Mr.Zongo Mohammed

Reply:

Howdy Zongo!
(Doesn't that sound like a great name for a hipster electro band? "And now here's Howdy Zongo with their massive hit 'Stick With Kippers, They're A Lot Less Hassle')

I'm so glad you contacted me, things are getting pretty desperate for me at the moment and the exact thing i needed was some random African doofus emailing me with the promise of a risk free money swap. I'm quite alarmed by the mention of a 'non-existing body' though, what have they done to you, you poor man! I think we can do a deal though, like i said i'm in a spot of bother. Allow me to fill you in:

I started seeing this girl a few months ago, right. We met on a wine tasting course in Lille and despite of the fact that she's got a pathetic withered arm covered in manky scabs and her enormous labia are shaped like fleshy maracas, we hit it off straight away. Well, last month i decided to take the plunge and move in with her and THAT'S when the trouble began. Turns out her dad is some weird pacifist drug dealer that's sells cocaine out of a massive mansion in California but instead of killing his rivals and shooting up other dealers' turf he stages these mock gun battles where no-one ever gets killed, there's just lots of shooting into the air and 'fannying around'. Like i said, he's a bit of an oddball. Aaaaaaanyway, he's not the problem. It just so happens that some bird what was living next door has a brother who does gardening for my girlfriends soft-lad-dealer-dad and inadvertantly stumbled upon one of these fake 'battles', shitted in her little knickers and is now terrified her brother is going to wind up 'pretend-dead' or something. So, instead of doing the sensible thing and asking her brother to stop working there this pea-brained simpleton decided to call up some fucking douchbag mercenaries to 'rescue' her idiot brother from certain 'non-death'.
Unbeknownst to me and my girlfriend of course. So, over we pop for a dad visit last weekend and guess what happened! Go on Zongo, guess!!!..........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

Give up????

Ok then i'll fucking tell you, you useless prick.
We're having a lovely time hanging out in the Cali sunshine, frolicking in the swimming pool, that kind of thing. Suddenly the front doorbell goes so Wayne (her dad's butler) goes to answer it to be greeted by an old looking guy with a huge grey moustache and a weird looking nose. To cut a long story short our lass's dad appears and all hell breaks loose. Well, i say 'all hell', what i actually mean is 'more fake shooting and fannying about pretending to die'. Turns out the old guy was not an old guy at all but one of the mercenary douchbags in disguise!! He whips off his fake 'tache and nose then his three moron friends leap out of a nearby van and rush in shooting wildly with no direction or purpose. Suddenly loads of 'goons' appear doing exactly the same thing, it's like some really crap faux-violent ballet performed by people with cerebal palsy. A complete farce.
After about 20 minutes of this (and of me hiding underneath a bloody sun lounger in just me undercrackers) the mercenaries retreat into one of 'dads' huge sheds on the driveway. I said to him, i said "Barry!! Don't lock them in there, that's the one with the decomissioned tank in it you divvy cunt!!!! These are mercenaries! They know about tanks and shit!!". But did he listen?? Zongo? Did he listen???? Did he bugger!! Lo and behold half an hour later the doors burst open and the mercenary twats come rampaging out in the tank which has now been converted into some medieval looking catapult that starts firing cabbages at the house! Cabbages!!!!!! Who the shitting fuck keeps cabbages in a shed with a tank???
Before long 'dad's henchmen are all buried under a mountain of green cabbage pulp and 'dad' himself is sat against a wall looking dazed with a cabbage leaf sticking out of his stupid stupid face. The mercenaries grab the brother, mumble something about returning one of their team to his mental hospital (oh so they kidnap mental patients as well eh? Some fucking moral high ground they're standing on!) and then bugger off. And who has to clean up all the cabbage???? ME ZONGO that's bloody well who!!! I was so not very happy about that i can tell you. To top it all off after they've disappeared the bloody army turn up with a really pissed-off looking colonel who arrests everybody then spends the whole time grumbling and looking like he'd swallowed a shitbiscuit.

So now as a result of this i'm in hiding from the army, scared stiff of the returning mercenaries and plagued by nightmares of their cabbagey shenanigans. Not only that but my girlfriend has disappeared and she still has my collection of David Hasselhoff CD's which i'm obviously keen to get back.
So yeah, i could do with some money Zongo, help a brother out will you?

Look forward to hearing from your stupid ass.
Peace,
Niesche.

'Fatima'

Initial Message:

Date: Sun, 5 Aug 2012 13:56:47 +0800
From: fatimamrs1@voila.fr
Subject: Peace be unto you and Your Family.
To:

Hello Dearest, May the peace of God/Allah Be Unto You! I am Mrs. Fatima Iyesa Ismiana from Kuwait. I married to Usman Ismiana of blessed memory who worked with Kuwait embassy in Madrid Spain for nine years before he died in the year 2005. We were married for eleven years without a child. He died after a brief illness that lasted only four days. Before his death he was a very devoted Muslim and I was battling with both cancer and fibroid problems when my late husband was alive he deposited the sum of $15million dollars (FIFTEEN million dollars) with an overseas finance and security firm. Presently, this money is still with finance and security firm. Recently, my doctor told me that I had a terminating illness (cancer) that would last for the next four months. Though what disturbs me most is my stroke sickness, having known my condition I decided to donate this fund to either a Christian organization or good devoted Muslim organization that will utilize this money the way I am going to instruct here in. I want this organizations or individual to use this money in all sincerity to fund churches/mosque, orphanages, widows, less privileges in the societies and also propagating the word of God and to ensure that the society is better a place to live. I took this decision because I don't have any child to start from. I don't want my husband hard earned money to be misused by any or an unbeliever because my husband's people are monetary conscious and I have given them enough to take good care of their life. I don't want a situation where this money will be used in an unholy manner hence the reason for taking this bold decision. I don't need any telephone communications but will only give you the contact of my lawyer Barr. Kameela Brown because who is going to assist you in making you the beneficiary of the consignment in the finance and security firm that will bring it to you, May the Almighty God /Allah continue to guide and protect you. Amen. Yours. faithfully, Reply: Hiya Fats, I have received your kind offer with thanks and would love to accept but first we need to straighten a few things out. Sorry to hear about your husband being dead and everything but as a muslim rest assured that he's now balls deep in a shit load of angelic virgin pussy and probably having the time of his fucking life! And as you are now near being dead too don't be surprised to find out that when you get to muslim heaven he's ditched you for a bunch of pristine virgins with pigtails and tight asses. Bit of a shitter i know but them's the muslim breaks i'm afraid! Maybe you should ask your god Allan to hook you up with a big-cocked strong man with a moustache like a mutant field mouse when you get up there eh? I wouldn't hold your breath though, from what i hear Allan is a massive shit. As far as redistribution of your dead-as-fuck husbands money i feel we need to negotioate a little. I'm totally willing to do it, don't get me wrong, it's just that we're fucking inundated with churches and mosques round our end and to be honest Fats i'm sick of the fucking sight of them. I propose instead channeling the money into several ventures for the more needy in society. Check these out and let me know what you think: Strip clubs for dwarfs. As far as i'm aware there aren't any 'dwarf-specific' strip clubs in England at the moment and i'd like to remedy that. I don't mean 'strip clubs that dwarfs can go in', i mean 'strip clubs with dwarf strippers'. For dwarfs, by dwarfs, that sort of thing. Call it something like 'Stubbies' or 'Mutant Vagina Friends'. Or simply 'Dwarftits'. Rest assured i certainly won't go along with the traditional 'animal + colour' combo name that every unimaginative twat of a strip club owner seems to think is necessary in a pathetic attempt to somehow disguise the exact nature of the business. Nope, punters coming into 'Minicunt Dwarf Ass Wine Bar' will be under no illusions thank you very much!   Disabled brothels. Again, a tragic shortage of these about and with the paralympics being on everyone is loving a disabled at the mo so we should strike while the iron's hot! I think it's grossly unfair that disabled women don't get the opportunity to destroy their vaginas with viscious poundings from socially inept monsters every day and seeing as i am an equal opportunities motherfucker i'd like to set this straight. Buying myself a new house with a swimming pool shaped like Mohammed's lovely smiling face and filling it with the blood of 1000 pigs. Now i must stress that this wasn't my idea, Allan just told me to put this 'cos he read the two above and pointed out that you might not consider them entirely 'holy'. He figured that the new house and bloody pool would be a way of establishing my holy credentials. I'm not so sure, but i spoke to Allan and he said 'it'll be fine, muslims and christians love that shit'.   Let me know what you think. Ahmen, Niesche.