Date: Fri, 14 Sep 2012 21:20:07 +0800
Subject: Dear Partner,
To: Dear partner,
Please consider this mail serious despite the fact that you did not expect it. Hope you are doing well. I am Mr.Zongo Mohammed, the Manager of head opérations department of our bank in Burkina Faso. I discovered a risk-free deal of US$10.9 million from my department which was left unclaimed as a result of non existing body.Provided you will put trust forward, let us share the deal if you are interested. Urgent reply is needed for more details.
(Doesn't that sound like a great name for a hipster electro band? "And now here's Howdy Zongo with their massive hit 'Stick With Kippers, They're A Lot Less Hassle')
I'm so glad you contacted me, things are getting pretty desperate for me at the moment and the exact thing i needed was some random African doofus emailing me with the promise of a risk free money swap. I'm quite alarmed by the mention of a 'non-existing body' though, what have they done to you, you poor man! I think we can do a deal though, like i said i'm in a spot of bother. Allow me to fill you in:
I started seeing this girl a few months ago, right. We met on a wine tasting course in Lille and despite of the fact that she's got a pathetic withered arm covered in manky scabs and her enormous labia are shaped like fleshy maracas, we hit it off straight away. Well, last month i decided to take the plunge and move in with her and THAT'S when the trouble began. Turns out her dad is some weird pacifist drug dealer that's sells cocaine out of a massive mansion in California but instead of killing his rivals and shooting up other dealers' turf he stages these mock gun battles where no-one ever gets killed, there's just lots of shooting into the air and 'fannying around'. Like i said, he's a bit of an oddball. Aaaaaaanyway, he's not the problem. It just so happens that some bird what was living next door has a brother who does gardening for my girlfriends soft-lad-dealer-dad and inadvertantly stumbled upon one of these fake 'battles', shitted in her little knickers and is now terrified her brother is going to wind up 'pretend-dead' or something. So, instead of doing the sensible thing and asking her brother to stop working there this pea-brained simpleton decided to call up some fucking douchbag mercenaries to 'rescue' her idiot brother from certain 'non-death'.
Unbeknownst to me and my girlfriend of course. So, over we pop for a dad visit last weekend and guess what happened! Go on Zongo, guess!!!..........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
Ok then i'll fucking tell you, you useless prick.
We're having a lovely time hanging out in the Cali sunshine, frolicking in the swimming pool, that kind of thing. Suddenly the front doorbell goes so Wayne (her dad's butler) goes to answer it to be greeted by an old looking guy with a huge grey moustache and a weird looking nose. To cut a long story short our lass's dad appears and all hell breaks loose. Well, i say 'all hell', what i actually mean is 'more fake shooting and fannying about pretending to die'. Turns out the old guy was not an old guy at all but one of the mercenary douchbags in disguise!! He whips off his fake 'tache and nose then his three moron friends leap out of a nearby van and rush in shooting wildly with no direction or purpose. Suddenly loads of 'goons' appear doing exactly the same thing, it's like some really crap faux-violent ballet performed by people with cerebal palsy. A complete farce.
After about 20 minutes of this (and of me hiding underneath a bloody sun lounger in just me undercrackers) the mercenaries retreat into one of 'dads' huge sheds on the driveway. I said to him, i said "Barry!! Don't lock them in there, that's the one with the decomissioned tank in it you divvy cunt!!!! These are mercenaries! They know about tanks and shit!!". But did he listen?? Zongo? Did he listen???? Did he bugger!! Lo and behold half an hour later the doors burst open and the mercenary twats come rampaging out in the tank which has now been converted into some medieval looking catapult that starts firing cabbages at the house! Cabbages!!!!!! Who the shitting fuck keeps cabbages in a shed with a tank???
Before long 'dad's henchmen are all buried under a mountain of green cabbage pulp and 'dad' himself is sat against a wall looking dazed with a cabbage leaf sticking out of his stupid stupid face. The mercenaries grab the brother, mumble something about returning one of their team to his mental hospital (oh so they kidnap mental patients as well eh? Some fucking moral high ground they're standing on!) and then bugger off. And who has to clean up all the cabbage???? ME ZONGO that's bloody well who!!! I was so not very happy about that i can tell you. To top it all off after they've disappeared the bloody army turn up with a really pissed-off looking colonel who arrests everybody then spends the whole time grumbling and looking like he'd swallowed a shitbiscuit.
So now as a result of this i'm in hiding from the army, scared stiff of the returning mercenaries and plagued by nightmares of their cabbagey shenanigans. Not only that but my girlfriend has disappeared and she still has my collection of David Hasselhoff CD's which i'm obviously keen to get back.
So yeah, i could do with some money Zongo, help a brother out will you?
Look forward to hearing from your stupid ass.