I am writing to you out of pure altruistic kindness with reference to the annual shitfest that is the ‘xmas tv advert war’. A war from which your esteemed company is shamefully absent, poor little Amazon! Just think of all the misplaced sentimental bollocks and false sense of public togetherness generated by these sparkly visual piles of vomit that you’re missing out on. What better way to celebrate a company which is undoubtedly the bastion of 21stcentury Western capitalism than by anchoring it to the yearly consumer-fest obscenity that is xmas. This is something which I feel you should remedy for 2014 and I have come to you now as a metaphorical saviour with a world-beating script for your assault on the xmas advert brawl! John Lewis, Aldi, M&S, Morrisons, Tescos and all those other twats won’t know what’s hit them next year!
Title: Amazing Amazon (Already I can sense you’re excited! Alliteration does that to people)
Starting with a black screen an image slowly fades in. A bird’s eye view of city streets, snow gently cascading around the lens as the camera moves along the rooftops. Haven’t decided on the musical accompaniment yet but probs Coldplay or something equally as bland and clichéd, the public love that shit.
As we arrive at the outskirts of town the camera zooms slowly in on a large warehouse, the Amazon logo resplendent and proudly emblazoned across the roof, people and forklift trucks busying themselves outside unloading pallets from a large HGV. The camera continues its descent, its speed increasing as it approaches those silly plastic flaps that cover the entrance of all warehouses. As we fly through the flaps the music suddenly changes! Now: ‘O Fortuna’ by Orff, you know that music they used in The Omen that makes your tits shrink? That one, right at the point where the shouty singing comes in.
The scene inside the warehouse is one of total and utter horror. I’m thinking something like the hell section off Hieronymous Bosch’s ‘Garden of Earthly Delights’ (alternatively if you’re not as cultured as what I am just picture the audience at an X Factor Live recording). Rows and rows of shelving literally dripping with parcels and boxes while grotesquely deformed humanoids slave away collecting them off the floor and throwing them onto huge motorised trolleys driven by enormously fat men with two heads who periodically vomit napalm and chunks of semi-digested mince pies onto the swollen backs of the workers (proper xmassy). The camera continues moving speedily between the racks, the floor slick and glistening with a noxious mixture of sick, blood, sweat and pies. As we reach the rear loading doors we again burst through the crappy flaps to be greeted by this…
A huge hairy santa 60ft tall, naked and sweating on all fours. As he cranes his neck round to look directly in the camera we get a view of his grubby beard encrusted with the detritous of a thousand xmas dinners which vibrate and shift as he belches with a repulsive and sickening grimace. The camera pans back and we see him reach round and spread his anus wide as dumper trucks continually lift and pour a mountain of presents and parcels into the disgusting fleshy cavity. Slowly, santa’s arsehole closes as the trucks cram the last of the presents in, then as santa rises onto his haunches and prepares for take off the music cuts out and there is silence. A few tense seconds pass as santa begins to shake then ‘WHOOSH’ he shoots into the air, loose hair and food particles creating a trail of vile confetti behind him, while the voice over is that bit in that awful Slade song where Noddy Holder shouts “It’s Chrriiiiiiistmaaaaaassss” in that dreadful throaty Brummy whine of his. Music suddenly kicks back in as santa soars but this time we hear Bing Crosby’s version of ‘It’s Beginning To Look A Lot Like Xmas’.
The camera is now again a birds eye view above santa’s fat hairy arse as we fly over the city once more to Bing’s sugary crooning. As we reach suburbia santa pauses over a chimney then squats and strains with the might of a man who has a million presents stuck up his backside. A bloody shit full of soggy boxes emerges from his ass and ‘plops’ down the chimney…
Two children, a boy and a girl, both around 5 years old, sitting by an open fire in their living room. Both have a look of greedy expectation on their hideous faces as they witness the arrival of the xmas shit. It splats onto the flames and explodes, showering them both in cardboard, faeces and glitter at which point they turn to face the camera, both grinning inanely as glittery poo slides down their cheeks and gradually envelopes their entire bodies. The screen fades to black once more, the horrible image of shit-covered children burned forever into the viewer’s mind, as the end message types itself one letter at a time, white on black in a classic calligraphic font: “Merry Christmas, Love Amazon”.
See? It’s a belter isn’t it? I can’t think of a more appropriate and honest way to sum up the magic of xmas. The war is already won Amazon, John Lewis can stick that bear up its arse!!