Initial Message:
From: allenv@css.com
Subject: Date 6/25/2013
Date: Tue, 25 Jun 2013 04:57:30 +0300
Dear Sir/Madam
This is a personal email directed to you.I and my wife have something
that will benefit you if interested,email back to us via (
albert.violet@aim.com )
Regards,
Allen and Violet
Email: albert.violet@aim.com
Reply:
Aw sweet! I'm totally interested. I have things to share too, things
like KNOWLEDGE! WISDOM! ASPARAGUS! (who the fuck eats that shit, really?
Jamie Oliver, that's who! The man's a vegetable snack idiot)
I'm a
tiny man with large chicken brain that i keep in a box and i have
philosophy from the greatest philosopher of our age to share with you
and your deformed cunt of a wife. Yes Allen, i'm talking about Katy
motherfucking Perry you honkey tit! Check the science she be dropping:
'I kissed a girl and I liked it'
Whoa!!!
That hits real deep, did you feel it Allen? Did you?! Did you catch the
profound insight Perry has effortlessly laid bare in this simple
phrase? I've kissed girls before and YES, i too liked it. Of course i
did! Katy Perry gets deep to the heart of the matter, picking through my
finger licking chicken brain and spooning out my hidden desires with a
giant philosophy spoon! I always worried about that shit you know, but
Perry philosophises the shit out of my paranoid mind bin! 'Ain't no big
deal, it's innocent'. Yeah Perry i hear you're whiny bitch voice
cramming that golden science into my ears. Real recognise real!
That not enough for your pasty ass Allen?? How about the genius of 'Ur So Gay'??? Check it:
'You’re so gay and you don’t even like boys'
FUUUUUUUCK!!!!!
You know what i think Perry is trying to say here?? Can you sense it
too Allen? I think....i think she's taken the word 'gay', and you know
what she's gone and done with it don't you Allen? She's only gone and
CHANGED THE MEANING! Like, she's not really saying 'you're gay' as in
'you're a homosexual'! She's flipped that shit right round and thrown a
curve ball straight out of left field! He's 'gay', but he's not 'gay'!
'Gay' now takes on a whole new DOUBLE MEANING! It's like gay squared, as
if she's taken 'gay' then added 'minus gay' and ended up with 'no gay'
but still 'gay'!!! Genius doesn't even come close.
And as if that's not enough she then drops these two tasty nuggets right after:
'You’re so sad maybe you should buy a happy meal' (What a play on words!!)
'You’re so skinny you should really Super Size the deal' (And then
linking the second insult back to the line above!! Fucking Keats has
nothing on this amazing woman!)
More profound than a car full of
deaf pygmies. More beautiful than Jesus's godly cock. Perry is to
philosophy what goldfish are to Amsterdam wanking booths. Synonymous as
fuck.
But you know what Allen? You know what makes Katy bloody Perry the bestest? Humility. Check this from her song 'Growing Pains':
'I may not have a PHD, or speak in eloquent philosophy!'
Oh
but Katy you dooooooooo!!!!! She has enriched my life Allen, now let
her enrich yours. While you're laying in bed with your wife tonight,
gently serenade her with the incredible 'Hummingbird Heartbeat'. When
she hears the lines:
'Oh oh Hummingbird heartbeat, Oh oh Hummingbird heartbeat
You love me, you love me, Never love me not, not, oh no'
her vagina will implode and suck you in like a fleshy black hole. But don't thank me Allen, oh no no no! Thank Katy idiot shitface Perry.
Peace brotherman,
Niesche.
