About Me

On a mission to spam the spammers. With spam.

Tuesday, 28 January 2014

Coldplay

Dear Coldplay,

It has been almost 20 years since you first appeared on the pop scene and during that time i feel that you have contributed more than any other band to the endless wave of flaccid ‘rock’ music that’s been weakly trying to penetrate our souls like a whales’ soggy limp cock. In fact ‘wave’ is probably too exciting a word to use, maybe ‘dribble’ would be more appropriate to describe the creeping beige menace of ‘safe’ music which you have inflicted on the youth of 00’s Britain. Rock music should be hard and thrusting, like an erect narwhal’s horn violently stabbing us in the eyes while piranhas rip and tear our leg flesh in a frenzied orgy of blood lust.

So, bearing in mind we’ve had 20 YEARS of this (nearly) i think it’s time for a change don’t you? But rather than just ‘shutting the fuck up’, as i’m sure many people would like to see, i am proposing a masterplan to transform our vanilla youngsters and middle-aged mums (that’s totally your fanbase right?) into the drug-addled reprobates they deserve to be. Sort of like what Insane Clown Posse did when they made all their albums with satanic themes and sweary lyrics then came out in an interview and stated that they were actually devout Christians and they were only doing it to draw in the disenfranchised youths of America with the intention of then converting them to Jesus once they had them hooked. Only you’d be doing it the other way round! Luring in the bland mainstream masses with your hypnotic elevator musak then BAM! hitting them with some GG Allin type shit and getting them to mainline heroin into their eyeballs while taking a shit on a church roof. Stick that in your organic falafel salad and smoke it pop pickers!

My plan is 3-fold:

Act 1 – Do nothing! Seriously, do absolutely nothing for at least a year. No interviews, no tours, no singles, no albums, do not even give the public a whiff of your mainstream melodies. Thus, you create expectation. HUGE expectation. “Where are Coldplay?” “What will we do without the safety of their rock/pop ditties?” “What will we use to soundtrack our dull insipid lives?” *GASP*” Have they split up?????” etc. etc.

Act 2 – Change your band name, however you must make clear that it’s still Coldplay but in a different guise. Call yourselves Chris Martin and the Shits or something. Or Cockplay. Whatever, i’m sure you’ll think of something. Then announce this name change in the first interview you’ve done for a year! Talk about “the exciting new album” that “all Coldplay fans MUST buy”. You know, really lay it on thick like “if you don’t buy this album then we’ll get Downton Abbey taken off the telly”, you know really put the shits up them.

Act 3 – Now your audience is primed, release the heaviest, most sweary, disgusting, offensive bunch of tracks the world has ever heard, each with its own message of conversion to debauchery. Like, track one could be Chris vomiting onto a microphone for 2 minutes while the rest of the band murder pigs with chainsaws in the background then use their severed piggy limbs to beat a disgusting bloody rhythm on the drums. Then drop some lyrics over the top like “Do-smack-do-smack-do-smack-do-smaaaaaaaaaack-do-smack-do-smack-do-smack-do-smaaaaaaaack-fuck-life-do-smaaaaaaaaaack” or something. Track two could be the continuous sound of an industrial drill with a strained voice screaming “Your desk job is worthless” and “Would you like to buy a monkey” and “This coffee is shiiiiiiiiiiiit” over the top.

With the three phase plan complete you will have hopefully transformed the lifestyle choices of the masses so they more accurately reflect the true spirit of rock music. You can then sit back, relax and enjoy the sight of society collapsing into anarchy!

There’s no need to thank me :)

Peace,
Niesche.

Tuesday, 21 January 2014

Pastor Chris

Hi there pastor Chris,

I am writing to you for two reasons: to share my personal experience of a genuine miracle what happened to me last week; and I also have some questions/prayers which I hope you can answer for me. All clear? Good. Here we go…

This is amazing, seriously you’re gonna LOVE this. Genuine miracle, no doubt about it. It’s a definite 10 on the miracle scale. Check it. You know how in the bibel it says stuff about god not liking gays and what have you? And by implication that gayness is not an inherent sexual preference but actually a lifestyle choice cos I dunno, some people just like being awkward or something? So bearing in mind that the bibel is 100% THE TRUTH, what happened last week will blow your holy mind Chrissy-boy. I was a leather bar in town right, just minding my own business, when I turns round and right in front of me were two men ‘being gay’. You know, like holding hands and smiling at each other and ‘pretending’ to be in love and all that….or so I thought! Suddenly a voice entered my head, God’s voice! He said ‘go and ask them why they are being gay for….’ So I did, and guess what Chris?? They said they were doing it cos they were “madly in love with each other”!!!! And they didn’t look like they were pretending at all! And then get this! I asked god’s voice what the deal was and he said “yes, they are not pretending at all! All these years the bibel has been WRONG! Where it says ‘Being a gay is wrong’ what it actually should’ve said is ‘Being a po-faced idiot with a na├»ve and patronising world-view is wrong’!” Then god went on to say that some people being gay was actually brilliant because it not only reduces the risk of over-population but at the same time provides society with loving parents to adopt and take care of all those unwanted children that get shit out by irresponsible heterosexual breeders every day!
Well, you could’ve knocked me down with a shitty nappy. God really does love gay people and the bibel is wrong! (god did however say that the bibel is still totally right about not eating shellfish on a Tuesday, so no scampi for us tonight!) God also added that he would be very grateful if you could amend the bibel to reflect this new development and also include some positive stuff about gays in your sermons or else he’ll take a big god-sized shit on your (presumably massive) house.    

What a miracle eh? Now for my questions/prayers:

1. I'm terrified that one day i will wake up and my legs will have vanished. What can i do to make sure that my legs don't vanish? Is there a special prayer for this?

2. My mate Raul is expecting a baby next week (i.e. his wife is pregernant and it's due next week. He's not just anticipating a baby appearing at his house for a coffee or something). They plan to have many more and him and his missus are wanting to do that thing where they name all the kids they have with names that start with the same first letter, you know like 'Kenneth', 'Katherine' and Kandice for example. You know what name they've decided on for their first daughter? Fucking ‘Ursula’. I don't suppose you could give me a list of other names beginning with 'U' could you? Raul is at a complete loss.

3. Is Billy Zane dead yet? If not can you pray that it happens soon please? Heaven must surely be running low on total douchbags, he could fill that gap perfectly.

4. What on earth are slugs actually 'for'?

Thanks pastor Chris (did you know that your name is actually an anagram of 'hot piss carr'?).
Niesche