It has been almost 20 years since you first appeared on the pop scene and during that time i feel that you have contributed more than any other band to the endless wave of flaccid ‘rock’ music that’s been weakly trying to penetrate our souls like a whales’ soggy limp cock. In fact ‘wave’ is probably too exciting a word to use, maybe ‘dribble’ would be more appropriate to describe the creeping beige menace of ‘safe’ music which you have inflicted on the youth of 00’s Britain. Rock music should be hard and thrusting, like an erect narwhal’s horn violently stabbing us in the eyes while piranhas rip and tear our leg flesh in a frenzied orgy of blood lust.
So, bearing in mind we’ve had 20 YEARS of this (nearly) i think it’s time for a change don’t you? But rather than just ‘shutting the fuck up’, as i’m sure many people would like to see, i am proposing a masterplan to transform our vanilla youngsters and middle-aged mums (that’s totally your fanbase right?) into the drug-addled reprobates they deserve to be. Sort of like what Insane Clown Posse did when they made all their albums with satanic themes and sweary lyrics then came out in an interview and stated that they were actually devout Christians and they were only doing it to draw in the disenfranchised youths of America with the intention of then converting them to Jesus once they had them hooked. Only you’d be doing it the other way round! Luring in the bland mainstream masses with your hypnotic elevator musak then BAM! hitting them with some GG Allin type shit and getting them to mainline heroin into their eyeballs while taking a shit on a church roof. Stick that in your organic falafel salad and smoke it pop pickers!
My plan is 3-fold:
Act 1 – Do nothing! Seriously, do absolutely nothing for at least a year. No interviews, no tours, no singles, no albums, do not even give the public a whiff of your mainstream melodies. Thus, you create expectation. HUGE expectation. “Where are Coldplay?” “What will we do without the safety of their rock/pop ditties?” “What will we use to soundtrack our dull insipid lives?” *GASP*” Have they split up?????” etc. etc.
Act 2 – Change your band name, however you must make clear that it’s still Coldplay but in a different guise. Call yourselves Chris Martin and the Shits or something. Or Cockplay. Whatever, i’m sure you’ll think of something. Then announce this name change in the first interview you’ve done for a year! Talk about “the exciting new album” that “all Coldplay fans MUST buy”. You know, really lay it on thick like “if you don’t buy this album then we’ll get Downton Abbey taken off the telly”, you know really put the shits up them.
Act 3 – Now your audience is primed, release the heaviest, most sweary, disgusting, offensive bunch of tracks the world has ever heard, each with its own message of conversion to debauchery. Like, track one could be Chris vomiting onto a microphone for 2 minutes while the rest of the band murder pigs with chainsaws in the background then use their severed piggy limbs to beat a disgusting bloody rhythm on the drums. Then drop some lyrics over the top like “Do-smack-do-smack-do-smack-do-smaaaaaaaaaack-do-smack-do-smack-do-smack-do-smaaaaaaaack-fuck-life-do-smaaaaaaaaaack” or something. Track two could be the continuous sound of an industrial drill with a strained voice screaming “Your desk job is worthless” and “Would you like to buy a monkey” and “This coffee is shiiiiiiiiiiiit” over the top.
With the three phase plan complete you will have hopefully transformed the lifestyle choices of the masses so they more accurately reflect the true spirit of rock music. You can then sit back, relax and enjoy the sight of society collapsing into anarchy!
There’s no need to thank me :)