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On a mission to spam the spammers. With spam.

Monday, 8 December 2014


I've had numerous problems with my new HTC phone so this is more of a genuine complaint letter than a spam type thing but i figured it belongs here anyway. I sent this as a proper letter through the post but i also found an email address so have sent it there too. P.S. don't ever buy a HTC One M8, they are shit.

                                                                                 5, The Windpipe Rotary Club,
                                                                                 Church Fenton,

Dear HTC,
I am writing to you in order to convey my undying gratitude for your most recent smartphone, the HTC One M8. I purchased mine 6 months ago and just had to share with you the multitude of joys I have experienced since that day. Consider this letter the literary equivalent of a slow and considerate ego-wank off an Egyptian prossie dressed as Cleopatra with a milk moustache. Yes, the phone is THAT good! Let me count the ways…

1.       The main thing I love about your new phone is the ‘stunning’ HTC ‘Blink Feed’, a feature which shows me customisable content from my social media and browsing history. Now correct me if I’m wrong but this felt to me like having some annoying cunt (Eamon Holmes springs to mind) rifle through my bins every week pulling out random packaging and saying “Here, you had beans last Wednesday do you want beans again this Wednesday I bet you do. And you know Malcolm, the guy you vaguely know from that course you were on three years ago he had beans last Wednesday too but he got indigestion shall i tell you all about it?? Don’t look away though here’s more useless information that you just can’t bear to miss even though the actual app it has come from is a mere 5mm away from your thumb and to access it would literally take less effort than scratching your arse, but NO you must have it bombarded at you constantly ‘cos you might miss something!!!!” Also, not sure why it’s called Blink feed either, as ‘Blink’ implies a fleeting encounter with something, quite literally a ‘blink and you’ll miss it’ kind of deal. Your ‘feed’ however remained in my eye vision in spite of some major blinking on my part in an attempt to get it to fuck off from my home screen every time I opened the bastard phone.  Alas, I feel you should change its name to ‘Nope, still here’ feed. In keeping with the pointlessness of this waste of screen space I’m assuming your next phone will have a ‘home screen info home screen’ screen which tells you what’s on your fucking home screen all without having to visit your home screen?
2.       Speaking of ‘amazing’ features on the HTC One M8 I just love the way you’ve made the touchscreen so bloody sensitive it’s like you’ve actually incorporated a bona fide ‘ghost in the machine’ that accesses random apps while the phone is in my pocket. Such a useful feature! It is often the case that I’ll be thinking to myself “I really fancy very nearly placing a bid on a pair of skis via my ebay app but can’t be bothered to take the phone out of my pocket do so” and then finding out much later that my phone had read my mind and done just that very same thing without me lifting a finger! Or maybe I’ll be in a meeting at work and I need something to make me look a proper cunt and my phone will magically launch the music player and start playing random music from my playlist, you know something very appropriate for a meeting with fellow professionals such as NWA’s ‘To Kill A Hooker’ or perhaps the 2-Live Crew’s ‘Me So Horny’? True story. Of course this could be remedied by buying a case for said phone and why not ‘cos after just spending a bunch of money on a piece of ‘state of the art’ technology the next thing I want to do is spend more fucking money on it!

3.       I really like that there’s cohesion between all the features on this phone in that they all adhere to the obvious theme of ‘utterly pointless’ that was clearly in the design brief, which brings me neatly on to the camera. That u-focus thing where you can refocus a picture after taking it is genius for a start. I’ve lost count of the times I’ve taken a picture and focussed on the things in the foreground only to realise afterwards that what I actually meant to do was focus on that grubby old man in the distance fiddling with a seagull. Now I can enjoy the crisp splendour of a bird-rapists flabby cock without having to re-take the shot! Also, I love that the front facing camera is specifically for ‘selfies’ and that you’ve made it far shittier than the not-so-great-itself main camera on the back because let’s face it anyone vain enough to take selfies would of course want a grainy poor quality picture to show off their grotesque insecure pouting.

4.       You know what else is wonderful? The HTC file manager that lets me put music and other media content on my phone via my computer. Or rather, lets me put music and other media content on my phone providing I don’t want to do anything else at the same time like maybe listen to a track before I decide whether I want it transferring or not. It’s so great that you’ve made the application so user unfriendly that it cripples itself if I have the audacity to want to hear a track whilst transferring files. “Hmm, can’t remember what this track goes like. I’ll just press play while these other tracks transfer……(nothing happens for 2 full minutes, screen freezes, I get sick of waiting so decide to press the stop button in the vain hope that maybe that will make the fucking thing work again but no nothing happens so I wait for  another full minute when finally the track I originally wanted to listen to comes on so, infuriated, I press stop again but have to wait another full minute until the song actually stops by which time my knuckles have taken a pounding from punching the fucking wall in sheer frustration)…..oh fuck it who wants music on their phone anyway???”.

 5.       Emails are a pain aren’t they? I hate the way they conveniently reduce the need for paper waste, and the simplicity of the Hotmail interface is a constant chore. Thank fuck for the HTC One M8 then, which, after a trip to your repair department now refuses to log me into the email app. Huzzah! I never wanted to be able to check emails simply, it’s much more pleasurable to have to load Hotmail via the web browser and fiddle about with the screen magnification every time I want to see what the manager of Burkina Faso Bank has left me in his will!  And how about wifi?? That ‘secret feature’ you put in where the phone will for no apparent reason stop connecting to the wifi in my house is absolutely amazing. Sorry, did I say ‘amazing’? I meant ‘shit’.

6.       Finally, I’d like to praise your ground-breaking customer service. I went to America once, years ago, and what struck me was just how bloody insincere everyone sounded. It’s all syrup-coated small talk like “Have a nice day sir” and “Can I help you with that sir?” and “Is there anything else I can do for you sir?” all the while showing perfect teeth and smiling like Bonnie Langford on speed. Thank fuck we have things like the HTC customer service hotline in good old bolshy England. Not for me this being spoken to like an actual human being with feelings and genuine grievances, oh no. I want to be told I’m lying by a Croatian youth with a lisp. I want fobbing off with blunt responses to reasonable requests to speak to a manager along the lines of – Me: “May I speak to someone in higher authority please?”….HTC staff: ”No”….Me: “No, but really, you must have a manager there that I can speak to could you put them on please?”…..HTC staff: “No”….Me: ”Ok then can you put me through to your repair centre so I can speak with someone there about the problem please?”…..HTC staff: (slight pause for dramatic effect) “No”. You should be rightly proud of the stand your staff take against the most basic of human niceties. Fuck customer service, I want to be spoken to rudely by someone with only a rudimentary grasp of the English language. I want to be sent emails charging me 80 quid for a hardware fault that I had nothing to do with and then bombarded with further emails telling me ‘what a great phone the HTC One M8 is!’ while patronisingly asking me for feedback as I’m ‘such a valued customer’. You utter twats.

It really is such a ‘special’ phone the One M8 (who thought of that name by the way, did you pay a drunk tramp in cider to come up with it? “Only ffuckkin ONE MATE carnt yer gerrus TWO??”). It is often said that through adversity we become stronger, and without challenges to face our lives are meaningless and lack purpose. So thank you HTC, your phone really is the perfect thing for reminding us that life isn’t a bed of roses but if we stick through the tough times we’ll reap the rewards (like when my contract is finally up and I can throw this heap of shit in the bin and get a different one. Something with better features. Two cans on a piece of string for instance). And if I ever get too comfy with how life is going or I begin to think that humankind might actually be worth something I can always ring your ‘customer service’ department and be brought crashing back down to earth by a rude, obnoxious teenager.

Yours Sincerely,
Niesche xxx  

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